Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Never enough

Since the job market is not at all good at the moment (no matter how many e-mails you get from, I decided that it was time I try to get my degree. I have wanted this for a very long time and since my college fund was taken away from me to pay bills...I wasn't able to.

Thats where the FAFSA form comes in. Its a simple (HA!) form you fill out online that will determine if you will be eligible for grants to go to college. I say "HA!" cause it is in no way simple. They need to know everything under the sun and more about you. Work, High School, Home, Financial, Pets, ect. I have been trying to fill this form out to the best of my ability, however, there is one little problem with that. The most crucial information that I need for the form to determine my financial eligibility I dont have. Why don't I have it? Because the person that did my taxes can't find any of my information. My brothers she could find with no problem for any year you wanted but not mine. I guess mine don't mean that much.

Lately I just feel like anything I do is never enough. I clean, cook, fill out applications for jobs, and even get food stamps so that I am the one that buys the food and no money has to be spent on that. Is this appreciated? No. The cleaning is never clean enough or it is and then its messed up right away. The applications are never enough because I dont ever fill out enough of them. I dont have 2million out so its not enough. When I cook its hardly eaten and then if I stick it in the fridge for later its forgotten about. The food stamps that I get aren't appreciated either because no matter what I buy there isn't things that were wanted on the list. Its just all never enough.

Now I am trying to go to college so that I can hopefully make my life better and I was told I should get a job instead of trying to go to school cause who is going to pay my bills while I am doing school. Which, yes I have bills, yes they need to be paid, but that is why I am trying to get assistance so that I can.

The whole thing is just very annoying and stressful. I just hope that I am smart enough to pass the placement tests to get into the college.

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Trying times

Well it has been a while since i blogged. For that i do offer my apologies.

Since my last blog I have had some very trying circumstances. My father was in the hospital over last weekend and it pretty much made it impossible to think about anything other then "is he going to be okay?!" Thankfully I can answer that with a semi-yes.

Why just a semi-yes? Because although the doctors announced that it was only Vertigo that caused him to be so dizzy and sick, unable to walk, they also announced that his kidneys had gotten worse. He's had a kidney problem for quite some time, however, the doctors didn't think anything needed to be done because the last time the tests were run my dads kidneys were stable at 20% working strength. I know that is not a good percent but I was cheering that it was stable. Now that they retested them, i'm not cheering.

Whats so wrong with the kidney treatment? Well, my father is not a fan of needles. He does not like them at all. The kidney treatment that he is available for would cause him to get stuck with needles two or three days a week for a few hours each day. He really doesn't want that. I wouldn't want it either since I have the same problem with needles. He swore to me and my brother that, if we told him he should have the treatment, he would not ever be happy again. I say thats a bit extreme but since he is my father I am use to his extremes.

So, as I am the only child that is near enough to make decisions regarding his health, the brunt of the situation falls on my shoulders. I have discussed things with my brother, however, with him being in Georgia and in RIP training, there is really nothing that he can do except say "well what do you think?" Normally all this pressure would fall to the oldest child to make the decision, but apparently it skipped him and came right to me.

This is a very trying decision to make and I am not sure how I will proceed. I guess it will be up to the doctors advice.

Saturday, August 8, 2009

"What If?'s" of Life

Have you had days that you just sit back and wonder "What if I would have done that different?"

I've had plenty of them. I call it "What if" daydreaming. Because there are so many situations in your life that you wonder what would have been different if you would have made one small change.

"What if" you wouldn't have taken the trash out? "What if" you wouldn't have said yes to that question? "What if" you wouldn't have dumped an old boyfriend/girlfriend? "What if" that dinner you made would have been burnt? "What if"...well, you get my point.

I have those daydreams everytime i'm reminded of something that I could have done a different way. Pretty much I'm daydreaming the whole day cause it is a constant recurrance. Like the flowers i spent hours planting outside. Or the way I switched the living room around. Or the way I fell in love with my sweetheart purely by accident.

These "What If" daydreams are not something to worry about. They don't neccesarily mean that you are unhappy with how things are at the moment in your life. People that absolutely love thier lives and wouldn't want to change a think have the same daydreams. Its simple curiousity at what thier lives would have been like if they hadn't made the choices they did.

I find its a good way to reflect on whether I would have been happier with the choices I could have made or with the choices I did make. I am happy with the ones I did make and I wouldn't trade it for the world. But its nice sometimes to just pause and let my imagination run over the other possibilities.

Friday, August 7, 2009

Cleaning Up

I've found out that the love of my life, my soldier, will be home in as little as two weeks. Yay for this! I am very excited that he is going to be coming home. You really have no idea about the amount of excitement. I'm hyper 24/7 right now.

With this excitement also comes panic though. Because even though I am sure he will not really care if there is a speck of dust on the shelves, I am still panicing. I have taken up the daunting task of cleaning and rearranging every surface in the house so that everything looks perfect for when he gets home. I am trying to put on the good housewife apron if only to make the house perfect for the day he gets home. Yes, we still live with my mother so its not totally our house. That doesn't mean that it doesn't matter what it looks like. To me it matters a lot because its going to set in his mind how i will treat our house when we get our own.

This isn't to say that our house at the moment is a terrible wreck and thats why I am panicing. Its not. It will be quite easy to clean once I get up and do it (after this post). But you have to understand that I am panicing and I have a very bad case of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Once I set my mind to something I have to have it done to perfection. I can not do it half way and think that it will be fine. Its all or nothing! A bit over doing it? Yes, I think so too, but thats just me.

The good news? MY SOLDIER IS COMING HOME!!! :)

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Gracys Trip

If anyone has ever heard of Main Gate Nightclub in Allentown then you might know that they have Biker Night every tuesday during the summer. I have heard of the Main Gate and I did not know this.

Last night one of my mothers co-workers was going to be filling in on guitar for this one band member from Gracys Trip that couldn't make it. My mother wanted to go and support him so she dragged me along. I had never heard of Gracys Trip before this. I wasn't that interested in going to see them. Especially not if they were something that my mother liked. Her musical taste stems from the 60's, 70's and 80's if you are lucky.

They did a few of thier own songs but most of the songs they did were from other artists. Some which included Green Day, Guns n Roses, Buck Cherry, and a few others. Thier song selections were not that bad and it wasn't what i had expected. Plus the sight of seeing Eric in shorts, skater shoes, and silver chains was entertaining enough. All in all I think that I would buy a CD from them should they ever decide to release one.

I also managed a few videos of my mother head banging to music from Green Day. Also a few of Eric while he was in unguarded rocker mode.

For blackmail purposes of course ;)

Monday, August 3, 2009


Okay, I may not have been able to vote for him to win American Idol because, lets face it and it pains me to say it, I don't have cable. There I said it. In order for me to watch the AI shows I had to go to a friends house and it was all very "Do I have time?" or "Do I have gas?" However, I did really really like his singing and I was very very very happy that he won.

So back toward the begining of the year my brothers ex wife Melissa (yes i still talk to her) called and asked if I wanted to go see David Cook when he came to MusikFest in August. Of course I said "YES!!" and so this whole thing was planned. The only thing missing was backstage passes and her boyfriend tried desperately to get them for us. He even used the "but she has Cistic Fibrosis and only has a few months to live" line on them. He got pretty far up in the main company that runs Musikfest with that line. LOL

Thats how on August 3rd 2009 at 6pm I came to be standing on a bus that was taking us to the gates of MusikFest. It was a wonderful experience to stand on that bus. NOT! I kept falling into people. Anyway...I'm sure you want to hear about the concert and I'm sure you are thinking "Oh come on and tell us about the concert already!" Okay, Okay, I'm going.

The opening band was pretty good. It was a group called Green River Ordinance. The band members were cute :P Thier music was pretty good too. I'm sure if you like David Cook you would like them. Based out of Texas they had that southern drawl and I kept thinking "wow he sounds like Jimmy John Milikin!" Anyway... :O
They were pretty good and you should definitly check out thier music. "Goodbye LA" was a pretty good song.

There was about a half hour between them and David Cook himself. The crew people had to take down all the stuff and then set more stuff back up so of course it would take a little. *Insert Elevator Music Here*

DAVID COOK!!!!! The crowds started cheering, me and missy were yelling, it was "YEEAAAAAH!!!!!!!!" all around. He has a great stage personality. He is really genuine. He was going to play a song from American Idol but his guitar stopped working right. He asked if we wanted him to come back to that one and everyone shouted "NO!" He kinda seemed shocked. lol. He said "No?! You just want me to stand here feeling awkward? Thats cruel." He picked up a different guitar to play a different song and that guitar didn't work right away either. He scratched his head and looked at everyone and said "Wow... this is awkward...Kind of like standing in church naked."

There was a girl close to the stage up front that must have said "I love you david!" in a really scratcchy ghostish voice cause he looked at her and said "Woah, that was demonic!" lol. He was talking about how he went to pizza hut for dinner and a bunch of girls screamed "I love pizza hut!" He looked over and said "Wow you'll scream for anything! You don't even have a clue whats going on."

His commentary was really funny and genuine because it made him seem real. It was a shame he didn't do autographs though. Me and missy hung out for a bit to see if he was going to but we were pretty sure he wasn't when all the crowds that had been over by the fence where his bus sat decided to leave that general area. I did get some good videos and a few blurry pictures. I couldn't figure out how to work the camera that missy borrowed from her friend. Every picture i took almost got blurred and i played with it non stop to figure out how to get it unblurry. Oh well, at least the videos got good!

Next time me and missy are going all out with VIP seats and backstage passes! That way we will definitly get his autograph! Haha.

Panic yet?

Okay, so when people tell you not to panic about something that usually means one of two things....

You can either start your panicing excercises now to prepare for when you do have to panic, or you can just dismiss it because the issue they tell you not to panic about isn't something very important anyway.

Me, I personally start the panicing excercises so that I am prepared. Cause if I don't I usually end up regretting not preparing my lungs for it. All the panting and screaming and know how it is. It takes a toll on your throat. Not to mention the fact that when someone says "dont panic" to me it is usually about something important.

So, here i sit yet another day with the words "Don't panic" ringing in my mind. Yet i am getting ready to panic. Because nothing ever goes as planned. So I am hoping that if I plan to panic then maybe there will be no need for it.

Who really knows though right?